What To Say on Mother's Day

It’s currently 8.11am on Mother’s Day morning. I’ve got Match of the Day on and I’m on the sofa writing the words you’re reading now. If I’m honest, I’ve been dreading today. Not because we’re doing anything in particular — Mother’s Day has never really been a big day in our family calendar growing up, and I don’t want that to change. I don’t want today to be a big day because of Mum’s diagnosis.

So why am I dreading today?

The Dread You Can’t Quite Name

It’s difficult to describe. I went out on a long walk with my mum, dad and sister yesterday — I took my pooch Orla and my sister brought her two dogs too. I hadn’t slept too well the night before so I wasn’t on top form but we had a lovely time. We had one mishap — Mum didn’t see a tree root growing out of the ground and tripped over it. For the first time in my life I saw my mum as old. She’s not. It was clearly just the trip, which any of us could have done, that sent my sleep-deprived brain spiralling into the future, seeing my mum as a frail, elderly woman, incapable of doing the things she loved.

But those feelings passed. They hung around longer than I’d like but they did eventually pass.

Why Keeping It Normal Matters More Than Grand Gestures

We don’t have big plans today. We learnt from Christmas that having too many people over and too big of a celebration is difficult for Mum to handle. She tends to retreat into the background and try to escape the noise and chaos that comes with my family getting together. My fiancée and I are going to be popping over briefly this morning. I already got my mum some flowers earlier in the week and I’m going to bring some chocolates today.

And I actually think that comes close to the truth of the dread. I think I’m dreading today because I don’t feel like I’m doing enough. I’m popping over for a couple of hours. I’ve got a meal booked with my future in-laws this afternoon which means we can’t stay at my parents’ too long. Which in itself is problematic — there’s a huge sense of guilt that I’m spending time with my fiancée’s family, but that’s a balance so many people have to make.

I have this underlying feeling that I should be making a song and dance, some sort of grand gesture to show Mum how much she means to me. But the truth is, Mum wouldn’t want that, because we’ve never done that. If we started doing something extravagant, large-scale or even just planned — I think it would be a reminder to her of her diagnosis and that would only make her feel worse.

The Balance Every Dementia Family Has to Find

I think this is something that almost everyone navigating  mother’s day when your mum has dementia — or any dementia special occasion — has to manage.

How to show them they’re still as important to you as ever, without it being so out of the norm that it seems like you’re doing it because of the diagnosis.

That’s the tension. And it doesn’t just apply to Mother’s Day. It’s birthdays, Christmas, Father’s Day, anniversaries. Every family event carries this invisible weight of wanting to get it right without drawing attention to what’s changed.

We’re two years into this diagnosis, and I’m sure we’ll get better at managing that. I’m sure I’ll get better at holding that dread back. But for now…I need to go have a shower, get ready and take my mum some chocolates.